Awkward Alert

A topic came up recently in the women's group I belong to that was pretty sensitive. What started out in almost a whisper of confusion, shame and embarrassment became not only interesting, but relieving. The woman who brought it up truly felt as if she was the only one. She worried that opening up would end in her being ostracized, yet she carried around a burden of confusion and guilt because she wasn't sure if it was sinful. I figured I'd write about it because I realized there's probably many women who've felt the same way.

I'll try to be as dignified as I possibly can with this, but I may fail miserably. You might find the topic gross/weird or you may laugh and say to yourself "been there, done that girlfriend!" You're more than welcome to sit across the room, talk about me and stick gum in my hair. In any event, it appears to be one of those things that happens, but no one really wants to discuss for fear of being the weird girl with the funny glasses on the play ground.

Whether you breast feed/fed or not is really irrelevant. If you've been pregnant then you know about milk production. It's a miracle, weird, painful and annoying all at once. If our husbands haven't fully discovered this wonder of God by watching us nurse then they've discovered it during intimacy.

Some men are turned off by it, some find it erotic, others appreciate its value to sustain life while others find it nurturing and comforting for them. They feel it's a deep bonding experience with their other half. Breast milk certainly wouldn't be harmful for an adult, but rather healthy. Weird? Creepy? Maybe, but what I've found in my own research is it's pretty common and there's nothing to suggest it's sinful.

There are a couple of places in Scripture that alludes to a husband drinking from his wife. It can be taken literally or figuratively, depending on how we apply it to our spiritual relationship with Christ or physical relationship with our husbands, which ultimately reflects Christ as well.

"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
May her breasts satisfy you always; may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?" Proverbs 5:18-20

I believe it's entirely up to the couple. There's some who believe milk should only be used to feed a baby. For a man to also drink from his wife is somehow depriving the baby of food. From my own experience, Darian always gets his fill with plenty left over so a famine is never a problem for me. There's some who find it gross and that's perfectly fine. As long as it's exercised in the confines of lawful marriage then there is no sin involved. To each his own, but more importantly, as Believers, we are family and shouldn't carry around burdens out of fear of being ridiculed. We're here to edify, help, pray, bear with and comfort one another safely and lovingly.

*End awkward moment*

The Cheapskate Wife

I've become quite the cheapskate. I'm starting to concern my husband and the number of eye rolls I get a day are increasing. Even though he's lived in the States a long time, he was under the impression most American girls were frivolous with money, anticipated a problem after we got married and kept track of the bottom line obsessively.  Except, I've become the one hounding him about spending and he's a bewildered.

 I spent 45 minutes recently in a home decor warehouse digging, pulling, pushing, rolling and fighting my way through a massive pile of area rugs to get the most bang for my buck. Sure I looked ridiculous. Sure those watching thought I'd lost my mind, but all the sweating, climbing and wrestling paid off when I found a 12' X 20' area rug that matched my decor for 50 bucks!

Oh ya! That's right! On sale buried under most of the others that were marked for $300 and up!

High 5!

Man...did I gloat after all of Sharb's whining and insisting he'd gladly spend hundreds on a rug just so his pregnant wife would get up and stop looking like she was wrestling a crocodile. Not only did I gloat over my find, but unearthing that treasure inspired others to dig through that mountain. Hey it pays to take your time and look.

The Proverbs 31 wife helped her husband by caring for their home and those dependent on her in responsible, smart, frugal ways.  I always use her as a spiritual example in the home. Well that also includes materially so I'm on a mission.

I haven't resorted to separating two-ply toilet paper to make two rolls yet or started dumpster diving for dinner, but being cheap has immediate and long term advantages. When one considers living in terms of eternity, the less and less worldly one becomes. In these hard economic times, saving money and living within one's means is not only paramount, but it shouldn't have taken a monetary meltdown for us to realize this.

Being a cheapskate is also less wasteful. No, I'm not one of those "Go green" fanatics, but taking advantage of everything God's provided for us to live is honoring to Him. For example...


12 Ways To Use Eggshells

 Recyclable Crafts

Easy Compost Pile At Home

There are tons of ways to save money and also be healthy. In our society everything is about speed and convenience and we're paying the ultimate price for it economically, physically, mentally and worst of all spiritually.

Foraging is becoming increasingly popular not only because food is so expensive, but for the tremendous health benefits as well. Did you know eating a cup of dandelion greens has far more vitamins and minerals than anything we can buy in a store? We see them as bothersome weeds, but they're known as a miracle food in most other countries.

Foraging Weeds For Healthy Eating
Edible Wild Plants With Pictures

Just by canning food we not only save a lot of money, but it's far better and healthier than buying in grocery stores. Convenience is extremely expensive and detrimental to our health. Fruit orchards in your area often times will throw perfectly good fruit away simply because an apple has fallen on the ground and can't be sold to the public under our strict food laws. Visiting these places, you may find you can get these things for free or dirt cheap. Use what you want then can the rest. Did you know most honey sold in the stores has been processed to death and has almost none of the pollen and good bacteria that has all of the medicinal value? Many processed foods have very little health value and suck up your grocery money.

Dumpster Diving has also become extremely popular and has now spread from college students to the middle class. There are also Dumpster Diving Meetup Groups Check for your own area. Dumpster diving behind department stores, outlets and even grocery stores can yield big payoffs. Not to mention "shopping at the big store", or rather, curb finds.


As Christians we're called to live simply with our focus on spreading the Gospel, running the race and eternity to come, not what we can grab in the world before we're dead. We can take nothing with us anyway. For further reading to start your own "cheapskate" journey, check out these links for ideas...

Fifty Tips For Frugal Living

Christian Simple Living

The Dollar Stretcher

Time Away

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3-5

That scripture has a lot of meaning for me these days!

I won't be writing for a little while. We have a lot going on with little Darian and trying to get some things done to the house before winter sets in.

I went to the doctor Friday for my postpartum check up. Going by questions my doctor asked and the answers I gave, he needed to do a pregnancy test. To our surprise he gave us the news that I was pregnant....again. Already. Ya I know.

Apparently Sharb and I have a lot in common with rabbits. We're estimating I'm about 2-3 weeks along. To be sure, they took blood and I got the call this afternoon. It's official.

I know someones yelling, "Girlfriend use PRO-tection!" I've heard it already from friends. I think I'd actually need something like barbed wire lol. Ah I gotta bust Sharb's chops a little over this...

I wanted to try for another soon, but not quite this soon. Just recently I was telling my husband I wanted to try for another in a few months or so because I'd like my babies to be close in age rather than far apart. Well...Voila!

Once we recovered from the shock (and Sharb stopped sweating) we're good with it. It'll be hard, that's for sure, having 2 babies in diapers, nursing and not even a year apart, but it's God who gives life and takes away. Children are a gift and we're blessed to receive from Him. I know what it's like to grow up alone and definitely don't want that for Darian. If anything were to happen to us they'll have each other. God willing, maybe a few more later.  Maybe I'll have a little girl this time :)

I'll leave you for a little while with a couple of videos. One on educating, training and disciplining children by Paul Washer. The beginning is especially helpful to young, unmarried Christian women as to who is responsible for her when she has no husband?  The second is "A Biblical Husband And Family"



Be back as soon as things slow down. God bless!

Avoid Being Idle

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. .." Proverbs 31:10-31  

Fall has arrived! The trees are changing and losing their leaves, the days are getting shorter, the grey clouds have moved in and linger for days, the autumn winds are constantly howling outside and beating against our homes and the last of the sun's warmth is fading fast. Soon, we'll be buried in snow and arctic cold. For those of us who are stay at home mom's or who can't work outside the home, we can find ourselves battling idleness day after day.

Idleness is addressed in several places in the Bible and we're told to avoid it. Idleness not only tempts us to sin, but is the cause of a lot of sin and depression. When we get bored and are idle we tend to over eat, become sick easily, slipping into depression, stressed out, dredging up old memories and marinating in them for hours on end, complaining, in and out of bad moods, laziness, gossipping with friends, sitting on the internet, watching way too much TV, etc.

Winter commonly breeds depression, but this can be avoided with keeping ourselves busy and soaking up sunlight while it's available. Going outside for a short walk or even just to stand in the sun for a few minutes (especially during midday) allows us to soak up some vitamin D from the sun even on cloudy days, which directly impacts the emotional center of the brain.

Outside of the seasonal changes, idleness anytime can be deadly. There is truth in the old saying "Idle hands are the devil's workshop".

"Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not." 1 Timothy 5:13

"or even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies." 2 Thessalonians 3:10-11

In modern times, we don't have fields of crops that need planting, care and harvesting. Canning and storing food is no longer necessary. We can buy clothes cheaply rather than having to make them. Cooking can be done in 30 minutes or less and we've found ourselves with more free time than we can stand. Therefore, we find ourselves getting into all sorts of trouble or worse watching Jerry Springer.

 "Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." Ezekiel 16:49
Man was made to be laborers. It's unnatural physically and mentally to be idle even in the work place. Part of the reason the West battles so many illness and diseases is due to lack of physical labor and "life of ease". We have diseases and illnesses, both physical and mental, killing us at high rates that are rare in 3rd world countries. The root cause is idleness.

For us women, there are a number of things we can do to keep us busy and productive especially during the winter months. Learning the old ways, even though we don't need to anymore for survival, has tremendous benefits and I'll throw out some suggestions...

Learn how to can food. Plant a vegetable garden in the Summer and in Autumn can them. It's not difficult, it's time consuming. If you didn't plant a garden this year then fresh vegetables and fruits can be bought cheaply and canned just as well. Canning jars and lids can be bought cheaply also at places like Target and reused. If you don't want to keep the food for yourself give it to others in need.

Save big projects that can be done during the winter for those short, cold, depressing days.

There are so many crafts that can be made at home and make excellent gifts, opportunities to make extra money or can be given to the needy such as homemade soap.

Learn to sew. You don't need an expensive sewing machine to make something. There are several stitches by hand that are just as nice and strong as a machine's and they only take a few minutes to learn via the internet. If you want to sew with a machine then check out second hand stores, flea markets or Craig's List for cheap sewing machines. Patterns for all sorts of things and fabric are cheap. It's also easy to make your own pattern. None of this is hard, it's time consuming and that's what we're after anyway. It's amazing the things that can be made using old and new material from curtains to purses to clothes. Have an old dress or skirt you can't wear anymore, but love? Use the fabric to make something else. If you don't want to make things for you and your family, then make them for others in need. A great example of this is a charity called "Little Dresses For Africa." A group of women make dresses for little girls in Africa from pillow cases.

Make a memory quilt from old material that can be past on as a sort of heirloom. Quilt making it surprisingly cheap and time consuming. You can get good material on discount and pay next to nothing. Or you may have an old quilt that can be refurbished. Buying a good quilt for winter months is expensive. Making your own is cheap and better made than a store bought quilt.

Learn to crochet. Crocheting is very easy. If I can do it I know anyone can. New patterns can be quickly learned from the internet and it's amazing what can be crocheted from some yarn and a needle. Multicolored blankets in soft yarn are awesome gifts especially when they're hand made or they can be given to the homeless.

Learn to make jams and jellies. My sister in law makes different homemade jams and I love walking into her house and smelling the strawberries, grapes or some other fruit being cooked down and prepared for jars. She's offered to teach me and I'm going to take her up on it. Making jam can also be looked up on the internet, is fairly easy to make and it's so much better than anything you can buy in the store. Afterwards they can stored for use, given away as gifts or given to the needy.

 Outside of learning new activities to keep your hands and brain busy, there are a lot of ministries we can get involved in such as collecting mittens, hats and gloves for homeless or needy families. Volunteering at soup kitchens (who always need help), volunteering at women's shelters or teaching other women a craft that you've mastered. You can take classes for something new and interesting at your local community center or community college cheaply or even free.

Not only does God expect us to stay busy, but we were made to keep busy. It's a sure way to beat depression, over eating, warding of sin, providing for our families and helping those in need. The benefits of avoiding idleness are enormous. Happy Fall!

 

50% Divorce Rate Due To Selfishness

We hear all the time that the divorce rate is at 50% in this country. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Celebrities are constantly jumping from spouse to spouse to spouse and people emulate them. Marriage has been given a bum rap because of divorce. People advocate not getting married because they see marriage as an institution that ruins relationships. I heard a DJ on the radio this morning advising a girl, who called in, to not get married because the relationship will last longer if they just live together. She used her own 19 year relationship as an example. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

Just recently I read in the news about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony getting divorced and the main stream media was running its excuse machine at full tilt for them. I could only shake my head and say "well, that's what happens when two incredibly selfish, narcissistic people get married. They get divorced!"

That's the world though and can we really expect any differently? What becomes especially embarrassing and maligns Christ is when so many professing Christians are running to divorce court going completely against the only two allowances Christ gave for divorce.

There are several "reasons" people use as the root cause of divorce, but every single one of them has selfishness at its very core. What's worse, kids are drug through it with little regard to the effects it will have on them psychologically simply because the parents want to continue being selfish. Marriage and the family is a picture of the union God has with His people. Imagine if He deserted us so quickly and filed for divorce. Imagine if He quit on us? If we're to imitate Christ, it begins in the home. Since marriage is that picture and we're to raise children under the admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), what is that teaching them about God? How will that devastate their relationship with God later?

According to PsycNet

Among 18–22 yr olds from disrupted families, 65% had poor relationships with their fathers and 30% with their mothers, 25% had dropped out of high school, and 40% had received psychological help. Even after controlling for demographic and socioeconomic differences, youths from disrupted families were twice as likely to exhibit these problems as youths from non disrupted families. A significant effect of divorce on mother–child relationships was evident in adulthood, whereas none was found in adolescence. Youths experiencing disruption before 6 yrs of age showed poorer relationships with their fathers than those experiencing disruption later in childhood.

Those are pretty sobering statistics. We are well aware of the damage caused to kids from divorce, but the facts have neither stopped nor slowed the divorce rate. The answer is obvious as to the reason why: people are still looking out for numero uno. Does that seem harsh? Maybe it is, but it's not nearly as harsh as the lasting damage divorce causes so we can be "happy" for a little while. Yet, we never stay happy. We have this idea "If I'm not happy, my children can't be happy." Which is really just an excuse to continue in selfishness, but it sounds good and it shuts dissenters up for a while. Oddly enough, research shows that children of parents in a rocky marriage, in a rocky home are far more stable with far less psychological problems than those who should be happy because mommy and daddy are now happy being divorced. They are for a little while until being divorced no longer makes them happy and the kids are drug down the same path again while mommy and daddy continue looking for what makes them happy oblivious to the basic needs and nourishment of the kids.

Selfishness causes divorce. Selfishness is what damages kids. No matter what the reasons are,  it all goes back to one or both parties being completely self centered. Not surprisingly, the "divorce boom" beginnings have been traced to the 1970s. Free love anyone? Modern feminism anyone. Peace man! Except there is no peace and all these movements were smoke screens.

I wasn't raised in the most stable home. I was raised around incredible selfishness, but if there's any good that came out of it and if there's anything I've learned it's how destructive selfishness is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to it. Not at all! In fact, I'd say I'm more prone to it. But what I've grown up with has made me aware of it. I've seen the monster behind it and hopefully my experiences will help me avoid some of the pitfalls in my own marriage and family.

People don't want to hear about the destruction it causes because they might feel guilty or feel bad about the ruin it brings to kids and disrupt their selfish plans for happiness. So they convince themselves with petty, shallow excuses that somehow it's actually good for the kids. They don't want to hear what the Bible teaches on divorce because it doesn't give them leeway to continue in selfishness. So we search desperately for loop holes. We bend and twist looking for something, anything to give us the green light to continue to be selfish. If we still can't find any way to work around the whole God thing then we just throw God out altogether, except worldly philosophy, because it encourages and cultivates our narcissism, or surround ourselves with people that tell us exactly what we want to hear.

When we compare what the Bible teaches on Marriage and how it runs contrary to our own nature, do we begin to understand why society doesn't want God involved in any way, shape or form in marriages and homes. He contradicts and opposes our sinful, selfish nature. Get rid of God and there's no guilt and no judgment. The problem is, the world was still round and revolving around the sun even though most didn't believe it to be so. At the same token, we can delude ourselves all we want concerning God. We can twist and distort what He's said any way we want, but it doesn't stop Him from sitting on His throne and being completely opposed to our selfishness. Getting a divorce in a human court means nothing to God. To Him, the marriage hasn't been desolved and marrying someone else later has now only created adultery.

Has anyone done studies on kids raised in single parent homes? Not very many. In fact, most times this dynamic is looked into, the kids are often skipped over while it's pushed in society as being a wonderful idea and celebrated. In 20 years those kids won't be celebrating. In the rare instances when kids raised in single parent homes are compared to other kids, they're compared to those coming from divorced parents and not those raised in homes where both parents are present. Any research that's attempted and made public is quickly shot down as being "too harsh" and dismissed. The truth usually is quite harsh. The truth usually does hurt and tends to be a big monkey wrench that locks up all of our selfishness.

Most of us enter marriage for selfish reasons. People marry  for "love" and all those warm fuzzy feelings, but if that's the only reason, then what's going to happen later when we run into serious problems and those warm fuzzy feelings are gone? When we're not feeling all that "love"? If we marry because someone makes us feel good, what's going to happen when that person no longer makes us feel good? When we've wrapped up all of our self worth, validation, security, peace and happiness in another imperfect, prone to fall, human being? Feelings change. They always do, so if we marry based on feelings where will that marriage be when those feelings change? If we marry for stability, where will we be when we're no longer stable? Our narcissistic society tells us we'll be in divorce court and it's perfectly ok to be and your children will love you for it later despite clear research that shows otherwise. If the unstable emotion "love" is the what makes up the entire foundation of our marriages then the odds are stacked against us.

By nature, we are selfish creatures and we've turned our culture and society into a petri dish of raging narcissism and welcomed it into the church. We've created, in our sin, an epidemic as destructive and wide spread as AIDS and the effects will be felt and infecting generations to come. When we know the effects and we ignore them continuing anyway, what's left for us? What's left for our kids? When will such a horrendous breakdown in the family, that was created by God, be called for what it is....sin and Satanic?



Recommended reading:

"The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" 


"Me, me, me! America's 'Narcissism Epidemic'"

"Should You Stay Together For The Kids?"

"The Case For Marriage"

Men And The Uncomfortable Nature of Birth

The closer I came to having my baby a subject came up between my husband and I that I had taken for granted. It pertained to my husband being in the delivery room when it came time for birth. I assumed, being brought up in the American culture, he would be there during birth and never thought about it. I was surprised and even offended when he expressed serious reservations about it. Where I didn't think about it at all, he was thinking about it a lot. In my husband's culture, as well as many others, it's not customary that the husband be with his wife during delivery. The men will often stay with their wives during labor, but will wait somewhere else while she delivers. They view birth as "women's work".

Initially I took that to be the equivalent of laundry, cooking and cleaning to be "women's work". Actually, it's not the same idea. There's a couple of different scenarios that come into play for men when they're faced with the delivery of their child....

1. A lot of men feel it's women's work because it's viewed as an almost sacred experience they may clumsily profane by their presence like a bull in a China shop. They're so outside the whole experience and depth of emotional understanding of pregnancy and birth that women have that it's uncomfortable and intrusive for them. Men don't bond with an unborn child like women do. There is a level of a certain bonding they do have as being the father of that child and the anticipation of it, but they don't do their natural bonding with the baby until after it's born. They're not carrying the baby like we are so that concept is foreign to them.

The birthing process of being exclusively women is actually more common than men being involved and always has been. Even in the west, up until recent times, men waited in a waiting room while their wives gave birth. Only with the onslaught of feminism were men, often times bullied and forced, to witness it.

2. The second scenario is men are by nature visual creatures. Every experience for them begins with the eyes whereas women are emotional creatures and every experience with us begins with the emotions. The bonding men do with the baby, once it's born, is based on visuals. They can see and handle the baby thus deep bonding begins. Despite what nature dictates, men who choose to wait it out somewhere else are often labeled sissies, selfish, unloving, unsupportive, insensitive and cheuvinistic when the truth is, by nature, it's not something a lot of men want to be exposed to. They know going in it could have a severe negative impact on how they visualize their wives later, but feel forced. The impact it could have on them will negatively affect us females as well.

This may be offensive to some women because they can't understand it and figure he should be there for the birth. Society tells us men should be there. If anything, he should at least be there to offer support and encouragement. This idea ingrained is us comes from a feminist ideology in a quest to "sensitize" men and make them emotional creatures like females when this is entirely unnatural for them. The truth is men can be supportive and encouraging before the birth and immediately after. If men choose not to be a part of the birth process then their character is attacked by society.

I don't think us females understand, or maybe even care to understand, the "visual" aspect for men that affects everything else for them. They love their wives, are attracted to their wives, desire their wives based on visuals. For men to be put into a situation where they're exposed to a visual of their wife in a way they never dreamed of seeing can really play havoc on men. It affects how they picture their wife later and the sex drive they have for them. By nature, this is how men are, it's how they're wired and can't be changed.

Women are polar opposites. I had a friend and a family member (in-law side) in delivery as well and they, like most women, see birth completely differently. They were excited to be a part of it and even grateful. For us it's beautiful, miraculous and deeply emotional. For a lot of men it can be weird, scary, foreign, dare I say "gross" and at the extreme end on the spectrum of how they visualize their wives sexually.

In the end, I left the verdict to my husband and he ultimately decided to be there and even cut the umbilical cord, but he stayed by my head the entire time. He was afraid of getting in the way and it also protected his field of vision. He encouraged, supported and helped me in the process, but his eyes never left my face until he had to cut the cord, but even then he admits he was careful to keep his eyes on what he was doing.

I was glad he was there and so was he. It was his encouragement that helped me muster up every last bit of energy I had after 43 hours to give birth. The look on his face when he saw his son for the first time was absolutely priceless, but had he chosen not to take part in the delivery I had to be alright with that. Some men want to witness it and aren't bothered. Some men may go in excited and come out disturbed, while others choose to sit that one out.

In the end, maybe us females could give a little room and allow our men to decide if they want to be a part of the birth or not despite how we may feel. Whether they want to witness it or not says nothing good or bad about him. In reality, it has nothing to do with selfishness, being uncaring or a wonder-man because he chose to witness birth, but rather it has everything to do with nature. After all, the impact it has on them directly impacts us as well.

Becoming a Virtuous Woman

What it means to be a woman.

Did you know the man should always pursue the woman? Did you know in Scripture if a woman pursues a man she's considered immoral?

Marry Rather Than Burn

"But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7:2
 
"But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 Corinthains 7:9 

At the time this was written to the church in Corinth sexual immorality was rampant there like it is now. We are hit from all sides on a constant basis and it's tough! As Christians we know we must abstain when not married, but the sinful nature of man, combined with what we're bombarded with at every level, makes it extremely difficult. However, it doesn't mean rush off and get married to someone so you can release.

In no way was Paul telling people to do this in the above verses. Self-control should always be exercised first and caution in even placing ourselves in compromising situations. Being in compromising situations is very easy to do and once in them we can find ourselves in really bad situations and out of control. I know how it is as well and in this no one's innocent. Self control can't be achieved on our own either. We don't have it in us to control ourselves in that way so we must be fully dependent on God.  When temptation does come, (and it will) recognizing we can't stand on our own and must look immediately to God to provide the exit.

Getting married isn't an instant fix to sexual desire anyway. God hates divorce and if a marriage is based only on lust or satisfying a sex drive then that marriage has no foundation, it won't last and is in for some serious problems. People are still just people and even being married, one person can still burn with passion for another outside of the marriage.

The Greek word for "burn" is "puroo" and it literally means to be inflamed with lust. God doesn't want us getting married out of lust. Marriage is sacred to God and reflects the relationship between Christ and His people. How could a marriage based on lust reflect that? Lust is of the sin nature and as long as we're breathing we will all battle it at one point or another despite having spouses. Getting married is better then eventually falling into sexual sins. Not everyone can live unmarried and maintain self control. It must be given to them by God so the self control needed to maintain that lifestyle must come from God, (Matthew 19:11) therefore marriage should not be forbidden to anyone. It breeds all sorts of problems and sexual sins later for the individual.

Marriage doesn't eliminate lust, but it does help suppress it when the marriage is healthy. God strongly advocates a very active sex life with a spouse, encourages it and praises it. It's never to be withheld or deprived when one wants it unless for devoting oneself to prayer for a very short time (which must be agreed on first). Then we are to come back together so we don't fall into temptation and sin. (1 Corinthians 7:5) Depriving a spouse is setting them up for temptation and sexual sin. In the process you'd also be doing a lot of damage to yourself if and when the spouse does fall.

Sex is more than just for pleasure. It's symbolic of the spiritual relationship and of being one flesh and if a marriage is based purely on sexual release you're missing a vital organ of what marriage is. Sex with a spouse has profound physical affects on the body and the brain. It also has powerful affects on the relationship. When done in a healthy marriage, it's extremely healthy physically and spiritually. When done for purely pleasure and selfish reasons, even in the confines of marriage, there's gonna be a lot of damage.

It's reflective of the intimate relationship and union God has with His people. By giving His Spirit to us it's a perfect example of making one out of two in our relationship with God. Sex was created for us by God and when done under His conditions, it's sacred and a beautiful act to Him. If one person is withholding sex from the other it's depriving the other of their right to a part of their own body and spirit. In marriage there is no "this is my body" mentality.

"The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

It's not an ownership idea like property. As one, everything about a spouse is part of other and vise versa. Everything one does, says or thinks will have a direct impact on the other.

So in all respects, it's better to get married then fall into sexual sin, but until that time comes it's not to be rushed into, but rather self control plays a major part until marriage and even in marriage. Self control is above all because marriage isn't a cure for lust.

Choosing A Mate On Selfishness

Have you chosen a mate because he/she meets your specific criteria? Are you looking for someone who meets all your needs? Are you choosing someone who has a lot in common with you, makes you feel good, is easy to talk to, you have fun with, is beautiful, your family approves of? Those are selfish, self centered reasons. God chooses differently based on completely different reasons...



The purpose of marriage...

Cross Cultural Marriages

Can be tough. When you're dating it can get tricky at times but throw a lifelong covenant on top of it and you could find yourself in a whirlwind of struggles.

My husband is from Iran and a former Shi'a Muslim. He's very laid back, has a long fuse and not too much ruffles his feathers so to his credit that in itself makes a huge difference.  I, on the hand, am American, raised under the influence of Judaism and am a former Sunni Muslim. (I know I know! lol!) We're both in agreement that he is the one who wears the pants. He's the boss and because I can trust him with that position that's another huge help. But even though he's been in the States several years and has become very "Americanized" culture does have a big role in our marriage as I'm sure it does for anyone whose in a cross cultural marriage or relationship. Until we got premarital counseling neither one of us thought much about it. It was our Pastor who brought it up and made some really good points that now we're seeing is coming into play in our marriage. So here's a few suggestions for you to consider if you're going into a cross cultural marriage...

1. Extended family is going to serve a function in your marriage. If you can't get a long with them or your family can't get a long with your mate for whatever reason this should be given a lot of consideration. In my case I don't really have extended family and I get a long great with my husband's but that doesn't mean everything will always be perfect or won't present problems later. Your mate may want family heavily involved in your marriage (culturally this may be the norm) or maybe you want your family involved. In any case...too much involvement from extended family can lead to disaster. If you can't sneeze without a family member jumping in you really should work this out first.

2. Never underestimate upbringing. Maybe you have a more liberal upbringing from the West and your spouse is from the conservative East (or whatever culture lines you're blurring)...this will clash at some point and someone's going to be offended. If there's been no communication about this before getting married you're in a for a rough ride. Upbringing plays a major role in every area of life and when liberal meets conservative there has to be compromise and good communication.

3. Don't assume your spouse will agree with your choices or just go along with what you decide. Culture can get in the way in a big hurry here. Just because you think something is ok doesn't mean your spouse does even down to the smallest things.

4. Learn from your fights. Pay attention to how your mate takes a stand on something and how they fight. Are they reasonable? How do they handle compromise and figuring out a solution? Do they just demand you abide by their ideas and shut down any more arguing? Look...if they start acting like a dictator it's not going to go away later. It's just gonna get worse.

5. How open is your mate? Communication in a cross cultural relationship has to be good. If they shut down on certain issues it's not going to change later. As in any relationship you can't change anyone.

6. Be prepared to deal with the unexpected because you're going to hit cultural barriers.

7. Personalities are essential for any relationship but sharing things in common is no guarantee. When it comes down to it culture will play a big role in how someone thinks, makes judgments, behaves, reacts, makes decisions, etc.

8. Do you trust your mate to have control and lead? Again this is probably true in any relationship but things happen and if for some reason your mate has to end up running the show can you trust their judgment and ability to make good decisions? Are they able to lead? Can they handle taking the reins?

9. Social customs. What is acceptable to you may not be for your mate. You may be perfectly ok with giving friends hugs and kisses when you see them but something that is so tiny to you may be a huge problem for your mate. Even down to how someone dresses could be the start of a huge fight. Even in situations of compromise it may take some time for your mate to get accustomed to the compromise so don't assume just because you agreed on something that everything has instantly changed and is alright.

10. Communication, mutual respect and love. If you're marrying someone then you are accepting all their imperfections as well as everything that makes them beautiful. You're not perfect and neither is your spouse. If you find it hard to communicate very little will probably go smoothly. You have to be able to talk to your spouse about anything and get honest, respectful feedback. You have to be able to work together as in any relationship.

11. Someone has to be chief. Nothing runs smoothly when everyone's a chief and there are no indians. We're taught in society that everyone's in charge and marriage is 50/50 and blah blah but in reality...when the rubber meets the road only one chief is going to emerge. Better to find out asap who that will be in a marriage. I can say my husband is the man but if every time a decision needs to be made and I start locking horns with him then what I say is worth nothing. Who's gonna be in charge of money, paying bills, making financial decisions. That doesn't mean I have no say in any of them but when a decision has to be made, when choices have to be made can you trust your spouse to make the right ones and can you go with it?

12. Kids. How will they be raised?

13. Religion. You may both be the same religion but culture still brings differences and can be a problem. World view or culture is going to affect everything even if you share the same religion and must be prepared for. 

Marriage itself has all it's own problems and stressers and a cross cultural adds a few more. No matter how much you love your spouse that's not a magic potion to keep everything together. Going into it armed, prepared and ready will make a massive difference. It's gonna take working together and good communication. Don't be afraid to ask for or get help.

The Kind Husband

Men have a big job as a husband. I'm not even gonna pretend like they don't. Not only do they bear much of the responsibility for their families, but they are the Heads, the Leaders, the Bosses. As the saying goes "crap rolls down hill". When my husband and I were going through premarital counseling (which also included talking/hanging out with elders and their wives outside of the sessions) I realized I didn't want my husband's job. He was made for it and he can keep it! That job is a delicate balancing act and it takes a strong, godly man to perform it.


The most important aspect of marriage is a man and his wife are pictures of Christ and His church. A man is to love and care for his wife emulating how Christ loves and cares for His bride (Ephesians 5:25). Wives are to submit and respect their husbands as the Church submits and respects Christ.

Genesis 2:18 "The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

God made man a helper for Adam when he created Eve. Not a servant, not a slave, not a punching bag, not something inferior, not an object to satisfy him...a helper. And he created Eve from Adam. Eve was a part of Adam. She was made from his rib (v. 21)  and they were of one flesh.

Genesis 2:3 "'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.'"

Once God made Adam,  He didn't wait to make a woman then bring them both into the garden before laying down the laws. He made Adam, put him in Eden and gave Adam the law (v.15-17). When Eve was made, Adam then taught Eve what God had taught him. Eve didn't hear directly from God. It was Adam who did. When they fell God went to Adam first. Adam was the boss, he heard directly from God, knew better and was the one held responsible for what happened. Eve was punished too, but not as severely as Adam and Eve was the one deceived. But Adam was Head and he should have had a better handle on the situation. At any job...if the owner isn't happy with an employee who does he go to first? The manager. The manager didn't make the mistake, but he's the one who's going to ultimately be held responsible because he's in a leadership position over that employee. So it is with the husband.


It's their job to lead they wife and family, to guide her and the kids in the right direction. They are the teacher just as God taught Adam and Adam taught Eve. If the family runs amok they will be held responsible. Of course those running amok will get their share too, but the vast majority of it will fall on husband's shoulders. If the home is a mess then problem #1 always indicates the husband/father is absent, indifferent and uninvolved like an old chair. When the husband is involved and runs his household as the Head then his home run smoothly and orderly.


If the wife is the Head that's because the husband gave it to her. He let her become the Head and the home will not run right unless he takes the lead position back. They can't be Head on some matters. They can't be the Leader once in a while. Someone has to be Chief and if the husband is not doing it, as they were made for, then she will. This is not natural. This is not God's design and anytime we as people go against the order established by God there is always a huge price to pay.

1 Timothy 3:4-5 "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)"

The fact is if a man's house is a mess he can't be effective anywhere else. The home is where it all begins and is his first priority whether he wants it to be or not. If he can't control his family what can he control? If a man is not self controlled at home, if he disrespects his wife, is violent with her, dishonorable toward her, doesn't lead or teach her then he can't be effective respectably anywhere else. It begins at home. As the Head,  it's the husband's job to teach the rest of the family and lead by example. He can't leave the wife to give the "education" to the kids on her own or to find her own spirituality and learning.

The husband's example as the Head of his home and family is Christ (Ephesians 5:25-26) If he didn't have a good example of a man, husband and father growing up then he is to look to Christ and godly men and follow the examples. As Christ leads the Church so a man must lead his family. Ephesians 5:28-29 tells men to love their wives and care for her the same way they care for they own bodies....feeding (fig or not) and caring for them. A man should love his wife as Christ loves the Church and sacrificed Himself for it. Who feeds the Church? Christ. He provides materially and spirituality so must the husband.

Colossians 3:18 "Husbands love they wives and do not be harsh with them"

If they can't gain control of they family with wisdom, grace, respect and loving kindness there's something wrong. If a man thinks he has to beat his wife and kids, slap them around or be a dictator he's already failed as a husband, father and Head. Men have to remember their wives are heirs of the Promise along with them. She is to be treated as joint heir and as gently as men treat their own body. She should be treated better than others (except God).

As the Head men will set the tone of they family. If they are respectful and loving then things will run much smoother and the wife will fill her role much easier. If they're not then they're causing their wife to struggle to fill her role, stumble or give up all together. It begins and ends with him. Husbands must be involved with their wives in every aspect.

The husband is the provider (1 Timothy 5:8). That doesn't mean the wife can't help. Proverbs 31 describes a wife who does help, but the bulk of it falls on the husband. He must work to provide for his wife and kids sufficiently.

"Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home." Proverbs 27:8

A husband should not be away from home. That's not saying he can't work or go out once in a while, but if a husband is always out running around and spends very little time at home, neglecting his family, that is a cruel man. The truth is if a guy can't stay at home and is always out with friends or doing something else besides being with his wife he's acting in pure selfishness. A husband's first priority is to be the head of the family and provider. It's true that the wives are the home builders and are a huge influence on their kids, but stability, security, a huge amount of learning, strength, guidance, teaching, emotional, mental and physical stimulation doesn't come from moms...it comes from dads.

1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as they live with they wives, and treat them gently as the weaker vessel and as heirs with they of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder they prayers."

Wives are not inferior because they're weaker...it simply means don't treat or speak to they wife like she's one of the guys and assume she can handle it. Instead a husband is to treat his wife as if she were a delicate crystal glass...and compared to men she is. By using the word vessel it pictures something being filled or with the capacity to fill. If a husband is pouring into his wife verbal abuse joking or not...a woman isn't able to contain that like other men can. He will destroy her.

Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh"

I'm sorry, but mommy can't come with them. "A man will leave"..."they will become one flesh". In this case 1 + 1 = 1. A man's mom cannot be one flesh with them. If he can't live without his mother being involved in every area of their life, if he runs back to mom when he and his wife are having problems and fills her in on personal issues then he has no business getting married. This can and will ruin a marriage.

Proverbs 5:18-20


May they fountain be blessed, and may they rejoice in the wife of they youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?"

A husband is to be satisfied with his wife and look to her to fulfill his needs. He is to keep pursuing his wife with love and kindness even 10-20-40 years down the road. They are the protectors and their wives need to feel safe with them.

Wives, our lives are wrapped up in them. As head, leader, guide, teacher, provider and protector we depend on them more than they think we do. Everything we are, everything we become (outside of God) is in them. They are an enormous influence and factor. We look to them for so many things and if they can't provide, if they're too selfish, if they're too immature or lazy they're destroying their wives and don't even realize it.

If they're the teacher then they must teach. If they're the leader then they must lead! All the time. If they're the protector and provider then they must protect and provide always. Not half hearted. They were given that position by God therefore they're fully capable of filling it.

Statistically the wives follow the husbands when it comes to conversion. If the wife is a Christian and the husband is not statistically he doesn't convert. That is the enormous impact they have. This is the influence of a Leader. We think wives have the most influence because they are the home builders and mothers, but that's not true. It's the men.

The Crown of a Husband

For a look at what God expects from husbands go HERE

Marriage is a covenant and not a contract. There's a difference. A contract means two people have lists of demands and expectations and if they're not met at some point the contract can end. A covenant is lifetime and doesn't just involve two people...it also involves God. There's no getting out except through death. If demands are not met you can't just end a covenant. A covenant is entered with full knowledge and expectation of a life long union with full commitment on both parties of making it work when (not if) things go down hill.

Wives...

Ephesians 5:17-30 "Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. . . .Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."

Philippians 2:6-8 "Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. But made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!"

In essence, Christ (as God) was and is equal to the Father, but he didn't cling to that, argue with the Father about coming here, butt heads etc. He submitted to the Father even though They're equal. Wives are to view and treat submission to husbands the same way.

Submit doesn't mean be a door mat. Submit means, though we are equal in standing before God, on a team such as a husband and wife, both can't be chiefs. One has to submit for harmony in marriage and that is the wife. We are to submit to his authority that God gave him. Society teaches us differently, but to God women are to submit to their husbands as long as he's following God's will. If we have to choose between submitting to God or our husbands we must go with God. If the husband is a godly man then he'll have no problem with this. If he suddenly wants you to help him break the law then submission is out.

Proverbs 12:4 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones"

Being a crown to a husband means a wife is a visible treasure to everyone just as a crown on her husband's head would be. Her excellence is well known. Her husband is honored to be with her, thinks of her as a blessing and a source of great joy. A man who has a wife like this is considered highly blessed by God.

The opposite wife, who is shameful, is compared to rottenness in his bones. She's shameful, disrespectful, flirtatious, obnoxious and a total embarrassment to him.

Proverbs 21:9 "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."

This doesn't mean a wife can't disagree with her husband, but this type of wife is always fighting with him, she's always locking horns with him, always difficult, always starting a war no matter what he does. Basically if a man has this kind of wife it's just better for him that he go live on the roof.

Proverbs 9:13 "The woman Folly is loud; she is undisciplined and without knowledge."

The loud wife is an overbearing and domineering wife. A woman who has a overwhelming opinion on everything, gossips about everyone, is snide, mean spirited toward others, malicious and obnoxious.

Undisciplined wife actually translates "seductive" wife. She's flirtatious with other men. Jesus said "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

A married man or woman who flirts with someone else, looks at another sexually, thinks about them sexually, looks at porn etc....has already committed adultery.

Without knowledge translates "stupid". She's uninformed. She opens her mouth and has something to say about everything and tears people down. She has no idea what she's talking about. By tearing her husband down she's made the marriage a mother/child relationship. This will cause a "divorce" without actually getting one. The man withdraws from his wife emotionally, mentally and physically...basically he'd rather chew off his arms then hang out with her in a any way. By him doing this it's causing him to sin because he's depriving his wife. He may also look elsewhere to get his needs met which turns him into an adulterer.

Now the excellent wife....


        Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

An excellent wife builds the home and fears the Lord. First priority is she fears the Lord. She loves, honors, respects and worships God. This is the most important. If a woman does this she will fall in line everywhere else because she fears God and how she treats others is part of that fear or reverence. This kind of wife is a blessing, a treasure from God.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. This doesn't mean a beautiful or charming woman is bad, but if that's all she has to offer then it won't turn out well later. None of that lasts, but if she fears the Lord that is highly virtuous and that not only lasts, but it ages well. An excellent wife is to be praised. This kind of woman is someone her husband is proud of, can trust and can wear as a crown to everyone.

We are to place high value on being a wife and mother. Our first priority outside of God is to build the home which is building the family. There's nothing wrong with having a career, but our first career and priority is the home...making it a place where our husbands are helped, safe, loved, cared for and at peace when he walks through the door. Where our kids will be treated the same way and brought up under the admonition of the Lord. Where both get nourishment, compassion, love and support from us. We are the home builders...life builders and that's a huge responsibility.

And lastly Proverbs 31...

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

 ¹⁰ A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.