Gone

It was a year last week since my grandma died. She was my mother and father. Since then there's been a lot of ups and downs. A lot of surprises and a lot of  bad disappointments. My life has changed so much but in other ways some things just don't change. It's also mine and Sharb's anniversary so a new beginning came at the expense of a great loss. Last year seems so long ago yet it went by so fast

One minute you think everything's fine and the next everything changes and you're just reeling, trying to take it in, trying to think, to adjust but it's like being thrown off a cliff and reaching out for something to grab to stop the fall but no matter what you do you only speed up

In the last year I've changed a lot, I've grown up and I've gotten wiser. I learned those you thought you can trust you really can't. I learned people are just not always capable. I've learned some will even kick you when you're down. I've learned even more just how fragile we all are. I've learned that family really doesn't mean anything except physically. I've learned despite everything we do, all the plans we make, all the dreams we have, all that we are...we're nothing but a vapor. I've learned everyone goes whether willingly or not. No one is promised tomorrow. I've learned not to put so much stock and hope in people. They can't control their own breath or change a single hair on their head. Here today, gone tomorrow and so will be all our dreams and hopes

I've learned not to get comfortable because we never know when things will change. I've learned letting go is ok and sometimes needed. I've learned how to walk away. I've learned looking back isn't always a bad thing. I've learned being angry destroys. I've learned to appreciate everything we have and everyone right now because it won't last. I've learned many things are just not worth it. I've learned not to be so selfish. I've learned how important it is to say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" now because I may not get a chance later. I've learned to accept what I have no control over. I've learned I really have no control. I've learned how weak I really am. I've learned we always have far more to regret than appreciate when someone's gone

As I do this thing we call life on my own now I'm full of fear, uncertainty and confusion a lot. I've learned it's ok to need others and it's ok to be scared. I've learned to forgive. Most importantly I've learned we're never really alone...