Becoming A Mom

I'm now 3 months pregnant and showing just a little. The sickness has pretty much gone and physically I feel really good despite other weird things going on with my body. Now that the weather is getting nice I started walking in the evenings. I've been trying to keep myself busy outside of school hence all the craft stuff I've gotten into. I get so involved with it I lose track of time. My husband text me from bed last night while I was in the basement with "Hello? Waiting to cuddle." lol Poor guy

I'm obsessing like crazy lately which is why I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't think too much. I lost my mom when I was younger and didn't exactly have a normal family life. I worry about what kind of mom I'll be and if I'll be any good at it. I have a nurturing personality anyway and know instincts will kick in too but people change and as much as I love my mom she chose to be selfish in the end. My dad is phenomenally selfish and I worry I could become that way too

I'm sure I'll make loads of mistakes but I worry some of them will be life altering for this baby and any others that may come later. I worry I won't live long enough to raise a kid and will die while he/she is young like my mom did. I worry the baby will die. I worry having a baby will put serious stress on my marriage and me and Sharb will end up hating each other.

I look at my little pooch in the mirror sometimes and I'm shocked that there's a baby in there. Sometimes I sit and think "what am I doing? I'm so not ready for this." Then other times I'm excited and completely secure in it. Last week I woke up in a panic because I dreamed my husband died. This has crossed my mind several times before (even before being pregnant) and I've worked myself up pretty hard over it but that dream had me freaked out for a few days.

I have all kinds of weird and sometimes scary dreams. I dream of family members that are gone but in my dreams they're still alive. I dream about having the baby and my husband's over me yelling my name but I can't speak or move because I'm dying. I dream of being out with friends and telling them I have to get home to my baby and they tell me there is no baby and laugh like I'm crazy. Or I'm out at night and can't find the baby and I'm panicked. Then after having these kinds of dreams I stress over them and have a hard time turning it off.

Over active hormones? Possibly but I'm worried it's stress and trauma from my past beginning to show up.
I don't know how to be a mom. I still haven't figured out how to be a wife. Giving birth is already scaring me. I was praying last night that I'll have a c-section so I don't have to go through the process. But after all the worry, stressing and obsessing I do...when I'm in bed at night and my husband is rubbing my belly as he goes to sleep I think everything couldn't be more right and I couldn't be happier.

Is this type of stuff normal? I have no idea and of course I think I'm the only weird one this happens to and will probably get worse the further along I get...